Damn you Def Leppard

For the record, I am not a fan of Def Leppard. Growing up, my friend Halleh was a total fanatic. She had a huge crush on the guitarist with the curly hair. I thought she was a fool. To me, there was no band on the planet more awesome than Duran Duran. I owned all their albums, plastered my walls with their photos from Teen Beat and, at age 12, was hard at work designing the dress for my wedding to John Taylor, the bass player.

This morning, the radio was determined to play every crappy song known to man. I was antsy and didn't really want to hear about the surge in Afghanistan on NPR, so I resolved to make the best of it and try to find songs that wouldn't make me drive headfirst into the median.

After flipping the stations to avoid Pat Benatar's "Love is a Battlefield," some horrid Kelly Clarkson number and "The Land Down Under" from Men at Work (no shit), I settled on Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar on Me." The song was halfway done, so I figured the agony would soon be over and Halleh would be proud that I was mature enough now to hear their music.

I've never really listened to the lyrics of the song, or any Def Leppard song for that matter, but for some reason I found myself paying close attention. I was getting onto my exit when the singer wailed:

"You got the peaches, I got the cream
Sweet to taste, saccharine
Cause I'm hot, say what, sticky sweet
From my head, my head to my feet..."

I started to crack up and then old Joe hit me with it:

"DO YOU TAKE SUGAR?
ONE LUMP OR TWO????!"

OMG, one lump or two??? For real? I burst into peals of laughter and forgot that the exit has a sharp turn. After stopping to gasp for air I realized a truck was stopped dead in front of me. I hit the brakes with all my might and shrieked to a stop. The driver glowered and gave me the stink eye from his rearview.

I knew there was a reason I hated this band.