Baby's First Halloween (in costume)

Tomorrow is Halloween (which the Vatican said in a statement is anti-Christian...more thoughts on that later) and we are dressing Mags up this year. We couldn't see a reason to stick him in a costume last year, at just nine months old. Plus I think we were both too exhausted to even get up and venture outside.

So we are making two stops for 09. The first will be at the multi-million dollar beach homes up the street and then we will take Mags to my parents house for endless photos and more trick or treating. Who am I kidding, it's not like we are going to let a 21 month old eat candy, and I don't think he has the foggiest idea of what's going on. Nevertheless, I am very excited to undertake this little tradition with him. He will be wearing a most clever costume (a black one piece with skeleton bones...it was the only thing that fit him at Baby Gap) and he's just learned to say the word pumpkin. The timing couldn't be better, LOL.

TMI!!!!

Our next door neighbor just told me she's expecting her second baby. In the same breath, she handed me a book on fertility and what I perceived to be a look of pity, but perhaps I am overly sensitive.

I decided not to go through the book in its entirety and just skim the most interesting parts. After J and I ate dinner last night and Mags was asleep, I let the book fall open to the middle section, which was devoted to cervical mucus. Photos, too. If that wasn't bad enough, there was a chart where the owner of the book could note the consistency of their mucus. I glanced at the chart and then gasped. The neighbor had written down every freaking consistency possible- slippery, cakey, dense - in addition to the color and odor of her cervical fluid. I shut the book and was overcome with nausea.

The worst part is I invited her and her family over for dinner in two weeks. I cannot look at her now without thinking about her slimy mucus. It's grossing me out. How can I eat a meal next to her and not gag? Why didn't she think to put a sticky pad or taped piece of paper over her freaking mucus chart? I'm already annoyed that she's pregnant after trying to conceive for only two months, and now she's given me mucus on the brain. Curses!!

Whoever thought smoky almonds were a good idea...

Is an effing idiot.

Fall is here!

For many years, I loved the arrival of spring. The time change, the fragrant flowers and the sunny skies just lifted my spirit. Having worked for several years in Duarte, possibly one of the hottest cities on the freaking planet, I now welcome the arrival of fall with open arms. I am sick of the heat, the heat, and the heat. And I'm going a little batty getting ready for the new season.

First, the sweaters. Who am I kidding? Do I honestly think there's a day when we will see sub-zero temperatures? No matter, it's fall and when it's fall, you buy big woolly sweaters. I picked up a couple of them over the weekend, only to realize I had some from last season stuffed way in the back of the closet. Well, they are last season. Can't be having that!!

And the socks. I own two pairs of plain jane white tennis socks. I loaded up on thick chenille-style socks, some of them adorned with snowmen and snowballs, the definitive symbols of the cold.

I also unearthed my rain coat and heavy pea coat, both of which have hung in closet limbo for a year and a half, and moved them within easy reach. The weather forecast calls for gray skies, so even though it will be 77 degrees, I can still bundle up.

That leaves mittens. I have one pair from 1992. I could wear them in our underground parking lot, which can drop down to 58 degrees.

Somebody help.

What I learned yesterday at Disneyland

Society needs more birth control.

AAAAAAAHHHHHH!

My beautiful, beloved and NEW car was struck today by an octogenarian. Nice lady, but a shitty driver. She was in the lane next to me at UCLA Medical Center trying to pull around a car that was illegally parked, and then BAM! I felt the bump and then the horrible skiding sound of her headlight peeling against the side of my poor, innocent RX. She could have stopped halfway but seemed to prefer scraping the car all the way to the front headlight.

At the end of the day no one was hurt and no one was a jerk, except a lady in a Jaguar who kept bitching at me to move after we pulled to the side of the driveway cos she was in a hurry. So I'm grateful for no injuries, and grateful that Shitty Driver Lady also apologized and admitted she plowed into me. But what a pain in the ass now. I just got the estimate, now need to file a claim, meet with the claims adjuster, rent a car and deal with who knows how much paperwork.

And my poor car with such an unsightly injury! It is simply too fine a vehicle to be disgraced like that.

The Horror, the Horror

Yesterday I was in my office when a sudden and inexplicable flurry of craziness began. First, two vice presidents went running down the hall. They were followed by our budget analyst, then another VP, then some clerical folks. I heard someone murmur that the ambulance was downstairs. But unlike most of the looky loos who started coming out of the woodwork, I didn't budge. If someone was sick or carrying a loaded gun, I didn't need to be in the line of fire.

Ten minutes later I stepped out of my office for some tea. I noticed one of our leaders carrying a container of Lysol wipes and calling out loud every vicinity that he wiped: "Door handle. Desk. Door jam."

Okay, so now I'm a bit curious. "What's up?"

"Oh my god," he whispered. "C got really sick."

"Who?"

"The new writer. C."

Poor C. She's new, she just hurled and everyone knows, even if they don't know her.

"The bathroom is closed on this floor," he added.

As I made my way back to my desk, someone felt the need to add that C also shit her pants.

Now I'm beyond grossed out. My biggest fear is being next to someone who suddenly becomes violently ill. I retreat into my office and shut the door, trying to seal out whatever germs that befell the colleague I have yet to meet.

Thirty minutes later, an email goes out to our department. As most of you know, C became ill. Please wash your hands. Flu season is here.

Was it right for them to name her in an email that went to people who maybe had no idea what happened? I wrestled with that while taking the elevator up two floors to use the bathroom at the fancy law firm (nicer soap than we have). Also, how did they know so conclusively it was the flu?

I checked my Facebook page later that afternoon and another senior level person posted that she had to dial 911 to save her colleague from swine flu, and to please get your swine flu shot. For fuck's sake, people. That vaccine isn't available to us yet.

Today, our boss boss sent out a message that said while infection control is always good practice, yesterday's incident was not related to the flu and there is no risk of contagion. She cc'd the head of human resources.

So what did we learn, kids? We learned that in serious situations, most leaders turn into complete douche bags who are consumed by the drama of the moment and provide no leadership.

We also learned that I will never set foot in that bathroom again.

Ever notice...

That you don't meet anyone with the last name Hitchcock or Churchill? Hmmm.