Kids are cruel

How many times have you heard the phrase that kids are cruel? My mother used to tell me that, wiping the tears from my eyes because someone in class called me a name or stole another doll from my bedroom. (Why did I hang with such hooligans?)

Kids are cruel to one another but also cruel to their parents. Here is just a small list of things that were said to me this week:

Me: "Hi Cyrus!"

Cyrus: "Bye."

Me: "I like to eat, eat, eat apples and bananas. I like to - "

Magnus: "Mommy, please don't sing."
Me: "Don't sing this song?"
Magnus: "Don't sing ever."

Me: "Hi Logan!"

Logan: "Nooooo! Da da." (Child runs down the hall to the safety of his father.)

Me: "Magnus, want to come outside and play cars with me?"

Magnus: "I would rather be in my room."

Magnus: "I love Daddy and Nana so much."

Me: "Who wants to sit next to me at dinner?"

Magnus: "Not me!"

You looked distressed so I won't list any of the other barbs that are routinely tossed my way. Of course I am being overly dramatic. (Oh, you are a new reader? You will get used to it. And you will love me in like, no time).

Apparently one day when they are grown, I will miss that my kiddos were needy. mean-spirited self-centered youngins. Until then I have to put up with their crap. So I'll just keep biting my tongue, cursing the fish and reaching for (my omnipresent) bottle of wine.

Mother's Day 2013

Dear J and children,

I love each of you dearly. Every day you bring joy to my heart. So in the vein of love and happiness, this Mother's Day, keep it down. Let me be more direct. Shut the hell up. All of you. Don't ask me to find Lego pieces that are under your bed. Don't scream at me if I take away a toy because you were going to maim your little brother with it. Don't tell me we are over budget on something. I have been working my ass off for over a year with no pay. What I would do to have a budget, a small one.

Don't tell me a word and then ask me repeatedly what it means. Especially if I respond to you several times.

Don't point at me, all excited and then yell "Dada." You keep that up and I will go back to work next week.

Don't hit your brother and then try to shift the guilt by crying louder than him. I may leave the room occasionally but I have x-ray vision and I know who throws the first punch.

Don't sing songs that I can hear when I am outside, down the street.

Don't say "why" a hundred times in a row. That shit is wrong and annoying.

Don't pitch a really loud fit when I refuse to give you more banana. The banana was mine to start with. I haven't eaten breakfast in six months and I am freaking starving.

Don't turn on all the toys that make noises at once. Are you deaf? Hey! I am talking to you.

So this Mother's Day, as the lucky mom of three beautiful, healthy children, I ask that you help me maintain peace and mental health. Do mommy a favor. I don't need a card or jewelry or chocolate.

I need you to zip it.

I love you.

Mommy

The proof is in the numbers

I am not a big fan of consumer surveys but one that just came out happened to catch my attention. The title: "Moms With Three Kids More Stressed."

Ah, now you believe me!

I sent the news story round to a few fellow moms of three. Who didnt have time to read it because they were overwhelmed and stressed parenting their three children.

Had they read it, they would have found that moms with four kids are less stressed than mothers with three children. Huh? Who is crunching that data? The survey also revealed mothers with only two kids seemed to fare the best. It makes sense; they aren't perpetually outnumbered or deaf in one ear from endless rounds of screaming.

I sometimes joke to J that we should have four tots, to make it a nice round number. I hate uneven numbers. Plus we already have the (obnoxious) minivan that would accommodate them. His response is to squint his eyes at me, all Clint Eastwood like, and shake his head in the negative. And he is right. Who am I kidding that I can handle another child? Face it. I am all mothered out. Three is just fine and dandy, thank you. Three is enough stress for a lifetime.

Just a casual, not so important observation

Why do so many European countries still have monarchs? As far as I can tell, royal families don't do very much. Lots of photo ops, weddings, pageantry sort of things. But they don't appear to govern, legislate or do much else besides ski.

Maybe it is hard to break up tradition and the cottage industries of selling mugs, plates and calendars with pictures of a royal family. Perhaps the citizens of Denmark, Sweden, the UK and other countries like having monarchs because it makes them feel distinguished and less like, well, us.

How great would it be if the US had a royal family comprised entirely of red necks? A lineage of Honey Boo Boos to dazzle us with beauty pageants, Fourth of July cook offs and cow tipping?

I see you agree with me.