why?

There is a NEW Smurfs movie coming out.

I thought those annoying blue bastards were history years ago. Who thought that redubbing their voices and putting them in a new film would make them appealing? Who LIKES these a-holes??

another rabbit bites the dust

I can't keep it from you anymore. The deceit, the evasiveness...its become too much to bear. I swore from day one I'd be honest with you, faithful readers. You deserve that, and so much more.

What am I talking about?

Oh, I'm pregnant! Ha ha! Today's ultrasound confirmed it. But wait, there's MORE! As in more than one baby. Uh huh. Yours truly is 12 weeks and 3 days pregnant with twins.

I'll let you chew on that for a second while I get up and pee.

...I'm back! How do you feel? Shock? Yeah, me too. Hasn't sunk in yet, the reality that at the end of the year I will have three kids, two of them newborn, and that we have to put all of them through college. Wow. Who knew? I don't even have IVF to thank for this surprise turn of events. Nope. One round of Clomid, combined with six months of acupuncture, and WHAM! Instant high-risk pregnancy.

Will write more soon. Must lie down, maybe eat a rack of lamb. They take a lot out of you, twinsies.

Start thinking of names, will you?

dinner with sybil

"Magnus, it's time to eat dinner."

"I don't want eat dee-nuh."

"Okay, but it's dinner time. Mommy and Daddy are going to eat. You can sit with us or go play in your room."

"I DONT WANT EAT DEE-NUH!!"

"I heard you the first time. So I will repeat: you can sit and have dinner with us or go play in your room."

Child pouts and slowly exits the kitchen, reiterating once more that he has no desire to ingest a meal. Parents pause for a moment and then sit down at the dining room table. They begin to eat and enjoy a pleasant conversation. Two minutes later, the peaceful environment is shattered by a series of ear-splitting shrieks.

Father stands up as the child re-enters the dining area, weeping and looking betrayed.

"I WANT DEE-NUH!!"

Sigh.

i need a chill pill

I'm happy to say that Magnus, J and I are doing well now. This was not the case a month ago, when Magnus had to go to the hospital, I was stricken by the stomach flu and J passed out at an event in New York and had to be taken by ambulance to the ER.

Did I mention these unfortunate incidents took place within days of each other? Yep. We live on the edge, us three.

The upside is that nobody is permanently damaged. J basically had the same GI issue that I did, jumped on a plane and got dehydrated, which caused him to faint. Fixable. I was back on my feet within 24 hours after my bug hit. And Magnus was hospitalized for the same issue (respiratory synnctial virus, or RSV) last year. We knew he needed breathing treatments and some steroids. After a day in the hospital, he was just fine. And he's been fine since.

So why do I feel consumed - nay, nearly paralyzed - with worry?

It's not a pleasant sensation. I'll be doing something mundane, like washing the dishes, and Magnus will let out a small cough. My heart catches and sinks. Do I grab the inhaler? His respiratory issues often come on suddenly, without warning. Do I get ahead of the situation and give him drugs that he might not need? Make him lie down? Is he doomed to a life of wheezing, since his pediatrician can't tell yet if he actually has asthma?

Over the weekend J said he was tired. I felt the same anxiety start to creep up. Maybe the ER docs missed something when they examined him and he has a congenital heart issue. He assured me he was fine but I still found the need to lay my head on his chest and listen for an irregular heart beat. (I did this twice).

I feel you shaking your head at my insanity. I am shaking my noggin too. Who IS this crazy person? When did she lose total grip on reality? I've always considered my parents to be a bit irrational and neurotic. And there's the apple, there's the tree, it hasn't fallen far at all, folks. I'm every bit as wacky as they are.

I am hopeful, however, that this is a temporary situation, brought on by my sudden surge in hormones. That I will return to a more tranquil life, beset by love and serenity, with an occasional appearance by Bambi. It's not possible for someone to remain in a suspended state of paranoia, is it?

Or am I the special, chosen one???

this week's obsession: mandatory sterilization

I think I've hit my breaking point, people.

About a year and a half ago, the Times ran an investigative report on Child Protective Services and the failings of the system. The story carried a sidebar of photos of various kids who died after being removed from foster care and placed back with their biological parents.

This week, the paper carried another story about a two-year-old who died after she was taken from foster care and placed with her 35-year-old mother, who by the way has EIGHT other kids in foster care. A family friend wrote to the judge overseeing the case to express serious misgivings about moving the toddler back with her biological family, but for whatever reason, the little girl was allowed to stay. From what I know about CPS, the ultimate goal is to reunify children with their real parents. A month after moving back with her family, the girl was dead.

An investigation is ongoing but it emerged that the mother is now pregnant with her tenth child.

Not a typo: her tenth kid.

Years ago I read a book called "War Against the Weak," which chronicled the eugenics movement in the U.S. The aim was to eliminate the poor, minorities and anyone with a perceived disability. Nasty stuff. Compulsory sterilization of poor women and those determined to be sexually promiscuous was a big part of the philosophy. I've always cringed upon hearing the phrase, as it dredges up a horrible part of this country's past and has a not-so-casual acquaintance with Nazi Germany principles.

Much to my liberal chagrin, however, I see no problem with stopping a woman like this from breeding. All of her kids are in foster care, so she's clearly incapable of actually providing for them. Think of the heartache she's created for her kids: they've been shuttled from various caregivers all of their lives. They've probably never known real love and security. What kind of legacy is that to leave another human being?

I would have no qualm about someone inserting an implant into this woman's arm and preventing her from bringing more unwanted children into the world. I'm not singling her out because she's poor or morally degenerate; I am only going on the facts, which is that she had one dead child and eight others who are at the mercy of CPS.

Oh, if I only ruled the world. One day.

sorry baby

I ran over Jason's foot while backing out of the driveway this morning. It started very innocently. I put the car in reverse, turned up the radio and hit the gas. Admittedly, I should have looked over my shoulder, as I would have seen him standing right next to the car and braked in time. I didn't. He was non too happy and unleashed a chain of expletives while hopping up and down on his good leg. Thankfully, there were no broken bones, just a flattened and sad looking toe. It could have been worse, I was repeating this to him while begging for forgiveness, but he kept swearing and demanding to know why I didn't even look.

Truthfully, I was preoccupied with my thoughts. The deep kind. Like, should I change the radio station? What should we have for dinner tonight? What's with the new strain of ecoli in Europe? You can see how this would cloud a person's thinking and judgement.

J called me later and apologized for cursing and agreed to stay married to me. I took that as a good sign. Bodily injury, while normally bad, can sometimes bring two people closer.