My eyes, my eyes!!!!

Yesterday someone I work with came into my office to show me pics of her new granddaughter. She was grinning ear to ear and actually and hung over my shoulder to see my reaction as she placed a snapshot in my hand.

Staring back at me was a fat, slimy blob with the most hideous face. It wasn't a baby. It was a deep sea creature. Goddamn it, mi gente, do you have to make such atrocious looking kids? I smiled and said, "Awww...does she look like your side or the father's side?" She babbled something in reply and marveled, "Isn't she BEAUTIFUL?!"

I nodded my head, hoping I could keep the smile on my face until this seriously deluded woman left my office. Poor newborn baby. She will likely grow into a hideous chupacabra and breed more hideous chupacabras. I laughed quietly thinking about the famous saying of my mother's, which she invokes every time she sees a less than attractive person: "God did not give me these eyes to see such ugliness."

Amen, madre.

Happy b-day Magnus!!

My baby is two years old today. I can hardly believe it. Watching a young child develop is mind-boggling. They grow at such a fast clip, you literally feel like every time you see them they've sprouted another inch and know ten more words.

His b-day party was this past weekend so today I'm leaving work early to rush home and fix him dinner and tuck into his pile of new toys. If you ask him how old he is, he holds up two fingers and proclaims, "Two cars!" He also keeps singing happy birthday but to Riley, his neighbor and favorite playmate. I figure this is the last year where he will be semi-oblivious to b-day festivities, so I guess we should enjoy it while we can.

Happy birthday baby!!

Romantic Comedies: The Death of Cinema

Recently J and I considered getting a babysitter and taking a trip to the movies. Why not spend some quality adult time and take in a stellar piece of cinema?

Fat chance. The ton of sappy romantic comedies on the bill at the local cinema, coupled with some truly awful-looking action flicks, proved too much to bear. I flat-out refuse to fork over $12 to watch a piece of crap that is eerily similar to whatever last year's blockbuster romantic comedy was.

I really want to know: how many times can you tell the same story and just use different characters? 100? 200? Are the studios legally sworn to make movies that pander to audiences instead of saying something unique? Even indy film, long considered the bastion of cinematic freedom, is starting to spit out some repetitive muck. These are dire times. We need a return to the glorious days of bad-ass cinema (I'm looking at you, 1970s): socially relevant, technically groundbreaking and, importantly, interesting movies.

Sorry, "It's Complicated." You ain't gonna cut it.

Screw You Pat Robertson

Oh, where to begin. Most intelligent people agree that the Earth has been quaking and cracking for millions of years, attributed to a little thing called fault lines. Earthquakes, however severe, do not have a cause and effect relationship with human behavior. Hence, Haiti didn't bring about the recent massive quake because it signed a pact with the devil 200 years ago to fight French imperalists. (Although that scenario does make for an interesting movie plot.)

I won't waste writer's energy lambasting Pat Robertson and his legion of idiots. The believers can't resist taking a swipe at their motal enemy, Satan, and linking the sad state of affairs to human collusion with that bad boy Lucifer. (According to some historical data I read, Haitians practiced santeria in the 1700s, when they allegedly made "the pact" to drive out the French. Santeria is distinct from Satanism. But screw THOSE details...)

The point I'd like to articulate, in addition to extending a big fat middle finger to Mr. Robertson, is that in the wake of this disaster, it is the non-religious groups that deserve major credit. Organizations like UNICEF and the Red Cross (despite its name, not a religious group) are on the front lines to deliver food, build infrastructure and give people hope. For all their talk about Christ , we're not seeing a deluge of church groups - or even Mr. Robertson's pious organization - stepping in to help.

How frigging convenient. I imagine once Haiti has been semi-restored, the believers will waste no time arriving with pamphlets about Christ and tips on how to avoid witch doctors...

Condo Drama, Part Two!

Faithful readers of this blog may remember last season's battle of the pools, which pitted childless condo owners against owners with offspring who like to swim. The Board held several meetings to determine whether it was safe to let babies in the water. Logic triumphed and now we can take our kiddies to the pool and only incur resentful looks instead of full-on brawls.

So this season's plotline involves aggressive dogs, body-building neighbors and a restraining order. Yep. Apparently, a female owner (who is pumped like a mini Arnold Schwarzenegger) has a pitbull that was bitten by our neighbor's dog, a really lovely and friendly mutt named Napoleon. There was some bickering and name calling between the owners. Then apparently the p-bill was attacked again and the cops were called. On Sunday, the body-building owner hid in the bushes to watch as Napoleon's owner was served with a restraining order. Which I find kind of funny. She wants a restraining order to keep a safe distance, yet she stands 10 feet away from the person she is trying to avoid.

We were in the backyard with some neighbors when all this went down. A huge ruckus errupted. Napoleon's owner, who is about 60 something, yelled at the woman, who yelled back, "You come near me and you're going to be arrested!" Then Napoleon's owner lost all of her cool and shouted, "Stay away from this walkway you fucker!"

I delicately placed my hands on Magnus's ears and suggested we go inside. I feel bad for our neighbors and Napoleon, who is truly a sweet and passive dog. But I'm curious how this will play out. Can they not go to the mailbox at the same time? What if Napoleon's owners are checking the mail and the bodybuilder shows up? What if there are more profanity-laced eruptions in front of Magnus?

We were thinking of buying a house next year but perhaps we need to bump up that timeline...

Nair for 6 year olds?

Mags and I were at the park today waiting in line for the slide. I happened to look up at the little girl standing in front of us and was taken aback by the sheer amount of hair on her legs. And I'm not talking blonde, downy kind of fuzz. I mean full-on black hair, the kind that needs a razor taken to it, and quick.

I think I was staring because the kid behind us implored "Gooooo!" I closed my eyes and tried to shake the horrible image of this furry young lass from my mind. I guess it's cruel to shave a little kid. Or maybe her parents are earthy and the au natural type. If it were me, I'd be putting her in long-ass pants or breaking out the Nair.

I Loathe New Years

Many people love New Years. They get dressed up and waste a ridiculous amount of money going to events, ingesting large amounts of alcohol and sleeping with people they shouldn't. For as long as I can remember, New Years has always been a melancholy day. I never saw it as a new year that brings fresh and new opportunities. All I could think about was that a whole year was gone, consigned to history, and we are all getting older and one step closer to retirement, poor health and ultimately the swan song.

We're already in 2010, a whole decade into the 21st century! Time needs to slow way the hell down.