A bitchy moment

I am days away from my monthly bill, so please forgive this super-catty observation/gripe.

Why does Jessica Simpson get media coverage? She has as much charm and grace as a water buffalo. She dresses like she just won the lottery and her first stop was Chicos (after hitting up In n Out.) She can barely string a sentence together and she is only slightly more attractive than Chris Farley.

Someone tell me why, why?

I lied.

Kind of.

Remember that post that said I had nothing meaningful to say about the school shooting in Connecticut? Okay. I have one more thing to say, thanks to the NRA's recent press "conference" on what can be done to combat gun violence. (In case you missed it, the organization said we should have armed guards at schools).

I think the NRA missed an opportunity. Clearly there are many places where people can take a weapon and fire it at someone who is already shooting. These include:

Movie theaters
Parks
Indoor play facilities
Swap meets
Grocery stores
Farmers markets
Target
Dry cleaners
Chuck E Cheese
Arcades
Churches, temples and other houses of worship
Theme parks
Post offices
Restaurants, including chain and ethnic establishments
Bars
Home improvement chains
Hair salons
Spas and massage parlors
Acupuncture and wellness clinics
Pet stores
DMV
Libraries
Baskin Robbins

We can't leave these places off to fend for themselves.

I am definitely leaving a bunch of organizations off the list - Facebook me if you can think of more.

Life with the babies

I should have started this documentation a long time ago, but these days I suck at creativity and planning.

Observation #1: one male baby discovering his penis: humorous. Two male babies discovering their penises (in synch): disturbing.

Just a few words

About the shooting in Connecticut. Twenty six people killed, the majority of them children. The event defies logic and definition. I decided not to write anything about it, mostly because it makes me beyond sad, but I do want to address one group of people who feel the need to use the event to further an agenda I perceive as highly warped.

The shooting did not take place because there is no prayer in public school. It was not the act of an angry god trying to get people back in line with Christ. I am, and have been, an atheist for many years. If I was even remotely considering joining a religion, statements like the aforementioned would steer me towards Judaism or even the Hare Krishnas.

My next classified ad

Wanted: high-energy, almost annoyingly cheerful individual to assist with a myriad of household duties including:

Mopping up multiple puddles of spilled milk, almost always in the same location, up to four times a day;

Devising entertaining, morally uplifting stories to distract while also educating impressionable four-year-old, occasionally while mopping up a milk puddle; can also occur while trying to dress two feisy infants;

Lifting 22-25 lbs, often concurrently; carrying weight through multiple locations and in and out of vehicle;

Assuring aforementioned four-year-old that the sun still rises and sets on him, despite the presence and demands of aforementioned feisty infants;

Emptying dryer of multiple loads of laundry and folding clothes that belong to the female head of the house; male head and male children can suck it;

Wiping siding doors, refrigerator and other areas of baby fingerprints; initially an endearing phenomenon, now an out-of-control nuisance;

Planning a somewhat healthy, preferably edible, evening meal for male head of household and four-year-old;

Locating perpetually missing socks for male head of the household;

Watering organic veggie garden and cactus plants; talking in soothing tones to indoor orchids;

Bathing four-year-old and keeping it interesting; bathing twin infants and keeping it safe

Unflexible hours, often hostile work environment. Not a paid position but great learning experience.

Facebook is dead

I don't know about you, faithful readers, but it seems to me Facebook is as interesting these days as a nail clipper convention. (Odd analogy, I know. Do they even have nail clipper conventions? I only have 15 minutes to type something before the bubbas wake up and start their James Brown-style shrieking, and the Creativity/Witty Muse is often elusive at these hours. That bitch).

Facebook sucked pre-November election. It was predictable. I was predictable. I am liberal, I voted for Obama twice, so my politically-oriented posts were unimaginative and obvious. What the hell was I trying to accomplish anyway? Sway my friends who might be swing voters? Anyway, the election didn't save us from additional, more subversive FB shit.  Log on now, right now, and chances are you will see a slew of Commercialism 101 posts: guess what?? Your friend claimed an offer from X brand or retailer! They are now the proud and very public owner of a toaster, or some product to get rid of unwanted hair. Do I congratulate them? No, tell me, what do I do? Am a bit lost about the decorum.

I would love this rant to end here, but, like a bad case of stomach flu, there is more crap. Have you seen those sappy, SNL/ Deep Thoughts with Jack Handy-style posts that everyone seems to be posting, sharing, commenting on? "Be the person you want to be, not the person people want you to be."  "Sometimes you have to get lost to find yourself." OMG. Who are you? You probably have a row of overly-sentimental motivational prints in your office, right?

I like efficiency and concise-writing, so it might be a better approach if they start combining all of this content so you see a post that reads "The unimagined life is not worth living," complete with an image of one of your friends who just claimed an offer from Outback Steakhouse. At least the artwork would be better.

One of the bubbas is squawking, so let me leave you with this deep thought: wherever you are, you are there.

Brought to you by Google Earth Maps.

Magnusism #4

Me: "Magnus, why are you holding that gummy worm? Gummy worms are for eating."
Magnus: "Mommy, I don't want to hurt him!"

A year!

The twins are a year old! Can you believe it? I see you getting misty-eyed. I know how you feel. I am nostalgic but mostly confused: Logan looks like he is two, so I have to remind myself that the lad only has a single year under his belt.

You remember a year ago, right? I was dehydrated, whiny, exhausted and generally not fun to be around. Now I am just not fun to be around. Thanks for disagreeing, I love you. Anyway, we took the babies to their annual check-up and I kept crossing and uncrossing my legs in the exam room, convinced that the doctor would find something wrong with one of them. How could I have carried and delivered two perfectly healthy babies? When I meet people and introduce Logan and Cyrus, many seem baffled that I pulled it off.

Well, they are fine. They are thriving. They will probably design buildings one day or write books. I know, why can I be such a killjoy sometimes? You see? I am still not fun to be around.

A royal pain in the ass

The media have gone ballistic with the news that the Duke and Duchess of whatever are expecting. The woman is barely in her first trimester and I have already seen 15+ articles about morning sickness, the probability of her carrying twins, the royal ascension to the throne and predictions on whether the child will be male or female.

This is possibly the most boring couple ever and now we have eight plus months of speculation and maternity watch stories to look forward to. And after the royal offspring is born, who knows how many articles will be written about Kate Middleton reverting back to her per-baby weight. It almost  makes Honey Boo Boo look like serious documentary subject matter.

News outlets: stop! All these stories about a royal female having a baby. Whaaaaaat? Are we back in the 1950s? Another privileged white monarch enters the stratosphere. So what? Stop your ridiculous coverage right now, especially if you are American. We are not part of the British empire any more, remember??

Bloody hell.

Magnusism #3

"Mommy, you know what? Dad is the best Christmas tree-getter ever."