Knock knock jokes: epic fail

Magnus: "Knock knock!"
Me: "Who's there?"
Magnus: "Me! Ha ha!"

Magnus: "Knock knock!"
Me: "Who's there?"
Magnus: "Banana!"
Me: "Banana who?"
Magnus: "Banana banana banana banana! Ha ha! Banana banana! Knock knock!"

Magnus: "Knock knock!"
(Pause) Me: "Who's there?"
Magnus: "Magnus."
Me: "Magnus who?"
Magnus: "Open the door, it's me Magnus! Let me tell you another knock knock joke!"

Damn you offspring

I thought Magnus opening the bathroom door while I was in the shower was maddening. But he managed to top it. Last night after a long day I was finally able to drift into a blissful sleep. Which turned into dreamy sleep. Which turned into a dream of me and Ryan Gosling. And then me and Ryan Gosling going at it, Boogie Nights style. I had auburn hair and was about five pounds lighter in the dream. And he was really into me (no pun intended). We made deep eye contact and said amazing things to each other. It was life-altering.

And then....

"Mommy? It's MORNING TIME!"

I opened my eyes and instead of Ryan in bed next to me there was a five-year-old with bed head and a sweaty blanket sitting there. Sheesh, first-born! Have you no clue? I rarely get good night's sleep, and good sex sleep? With Ryan effing Gosling? And you woke me up and expect me to feed you??

I am officially protesting these working conditions.

It is starting already

Magnus: "Mommy I think I need to stay home from school today."
Me: "Why Magnus?"
Magnus: "My arm is really sick."

Eleventh Commandment: Thou Shall Not Solicit

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"I am here to tell you about the Bible and god's word, ma'am."
"I am home schooling my son right now."
"When would be a good time to come back and share some passages with you, ma'am?"
"Probably never."
"Did you know god helps those who forsake him?"
"No. But I have to get back to science instruction with my five-year-old."
"Okay but I can see that you are lost and god can touch your life."
"Can you bring champagne with you next time and I will think about it?"
" I brought some with me, ma'am. The neighbors said it might make you more receptive to the good book. I actually am carrying a chilled bottle in this backpack."
"Well for Christ's sake, come IN!"

Confused

As a Facebook user, am I obligated to start using Twitter hash tags in my posts now? for several months I have observed said Twitter hash tags  in several of my friends' postings. Am I outdated or dumb because I can't figure out something short and witty to include? I freaking hate Twitter. Why are you doing this to me, social media deities?

Well, HA HA HA, guess what? I am not that outdated or dumb, faithful readers. When I put my mind to something, anything is possible, plus housework. Here is my FB post:

When did FB become Twitter? #cutthatshitout #now.

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tribute

To Seamus Heaney, transcendent, award-winning, beloved poet who died this week. Excerpt from "Sunlight":

Now she dusts the board
with a goose's wing
now sits, broad-lapped,
with whitened nails

and measling shins:
here is a space
again, the scone rising
to the tick of two clocks.

And here is love
like a tinsmith's scoop
sunk past its gleam
in the meal-bin.