The Perils of Condo Living

I love most everything about our condominum building. We have lush tropical plants, waterfalls, coy fish and if you are lucky, you may see a duck or two. It's tranquil and quiet and you rarely ever hear noises, be it from the TV, radio or even the residents.

But what lies beneath is a nefarious subplot. There are several families with babies and small kids and anytime we take our children to the swimming pool, that's when you hear the loud, roaring noise of the shit hitting the fan.

The HOA recently posted a sign in front of the two pools that guests are welcome (between the hours of 9 AM and 11 p.m.), please know how to swim, don't smoke, BUT....if you are an incontinent individual, either young or old, take your sorry ass elsewhere.

According to the many sources that J researched, the pool is a public facility that we all pay to use. So legally they cannot discriminate against people who want to use it. We haven't been privvy to this but some of the families told us they've been yelled at by a certain bunch of individuals (an older crowd who goes to bed early and never make any noise - kind of reminds me of the old folks from the movie "Cocoon") about how they are endangering everyone's health by having babies peeing in the water. Isn't baby urine less disgusting than the urine of adults, who like to cannonball while concurrently relieving themselves?

Yesterday a woman was talking to our upstairs neighbor (standing in front of our patio so we couldn't help but hear her) boasting about how she called the Department of Health and was told that all the families with kids are in the wrong, even if our children are wearing swim diapers, we are still posing a health risk. This woman, of course, never actually uses the pool. She was carrying a camera and yelling at the woman upstairs that she was going to start filming everyone who violates the incontinence policy as "evidence."

For what? I guess I missed the memo about a trial. J heard her, opened our sliding door and she started going off on how he and all the other thoughtless residents were causing harm to innocent, childless people. "I talked to the inspector herself!" she kept yelling. "Who is the inspector? What department? What is she in charge of?" J demanded. She started backing away and said, well, I don't have her name handy, but she said you are putting us at risk for e-coli.

More neighbors started peering out and the quiet, peaceful facade of our building started to crumble. One woman started yelling at another woman about the pool issue and others came out of the woodwork to hear the commotion.

Never trust the serene exterior, folks. It's like the plot to a David Lynch film.