The Miracle of (Other People's) Births

Last night I decided to watch a Discovery Health program on weirdo births. That wasn't the actual title but it should have been. The program focused on three women. One lived on a remote coffee farm in Hawaii 40 miles away from a hospital. She was going au natural: no drugs, a midwife and a makeshift birthing tent. The second woman had a baby in breech presentation but insisted on birthing vaginally, and preferably with a midwife. (Which is actually illegal in California.) The third woman worked in technology but was going to use Egyptian practices and rituals from 5,000 years ago, including accepting colored feathers from her wise teacher, to ease into her labor. Whatever works, folks.

All three women were fairly righteous and irritating but the woman who was hell-bent on delivering vaginally with her baby in the wrong position just blew my mind. She insisted c-sections were evil and caused trauma to the baby. Seems like your baby coming feet first, backwards, with little room to breathe and the chance of getting stuck might cause more trauma. But back to our story.

After trying in vain to turn the baby head down through acupuncture, she ran all over LA to find a doctor who would deliver the baby vaginally. She found a nice elderly pushover who cautioned her that a vaginal birth could run the risk of the baby not breathing, as the head can get trapped. By all means, have a vaginal delivery, you soy eating idiot. She also didn't want an epidural but the doctor was adamant in case they had to rush her off for a c-section. She actually wept. Give me a break! An epidural is perhaps the greatest medical invention ever. So her labor intensifies, she starts to push, people are yelling encouraging things and the baby comes out... but is quiet. She asks that the baby be placed on her chest. Hmm, why don't we make sure its breathing first? One of the attending docs started massaging the baby's chest and it finally let out a wail (as did I, in utter relief.) Then the program cuts to her holding the baby a few weeks later, all sanctimonious about her objectives with delivery. What if it hadn't gone so well? Is it really worth the risk?

The birthing tent mama, living so far from other human beings, went into labor fast and furious and the midwife didn't get there in time. Her husband (who looked like a young Charles Manson) yelled that he had the head, honey, just push! And woosh, out came the screaming youngster. The other two kids were perched on chairs watching the whole thing, then went outside to play.

I tried to be respectful of the ancient traditions enthusiast, but at a certain point it seemed pat. She went past her due date and her teacher brought her in for some stretches, meditation and smelly tea. They sat cross legged on mats and then the teacher starting grunting. "Ooooomph. Oooomph. Ooooooooomph." Three days later her labor struck with ancient vengeance. She was bent over a small pool screaming bloody murder. There was a midwife, her husband, a friend and some dude playing bongo drums. Are you freaking kidding me? When I gave birth I wanted no light, no noise and only J there. Somebody drumming would be grounds for murder.

Labor and delivery are such personal things. Everyone has preferences and different motivations. I try to be open-minded and not judge, but ultimately I can't understand how women try and deal with the worst pain they will ever know, with no relief, or worse, put their baby at risk by pursuing a path that experts say is dangerous for their child. You deserve a real ass kicking (after you heal from your delivery, of course).