Request - Please Read

Could all gays and lesbians please come out? I need to jump in the closet and hide from my children.

Kirk Cameron is freaking awesome

No, you don't need your eyes checked. Yes, I am posting after weeks of hectic schedules and vacation. And yes, I think Kirk Cameron is the bomb.

Now don't go to someone else's blog and forget about me. Let me 'splain. I like Kirk Cameron, and I check him out on Facebook, because of the sheer comedy that comes out of his Jesus-worshipping mouth. He tells gays they are going to hell. He stated that he doesn't think Stephen Hawking is that smart. Recently he defended Senator Akin, another Jesus-loving moron who attempted to differentiate between rape and "legitimate" rape.

The thing about Kirk Cameron is that he is convinced he is right despite tons of scientific evidence to the contrary. To me this makes him the ultimate court jester. He's almost arrogant if he weren't so freaking funny. Remember when he debated god and evolution? That the banana was an example of god's handiwork? Only Sarah Palin is funnier but by a hair.

Check him out on Facebook, crack open a beer and have yourself a good chuckle. Lord knows you deserve it. (Get it?)

Heed these words:

If one more short, self-entitled person steps on my foot or gives me attitude, there will be hell to pay.

I'm talking to you, offspring.

Knock knock jokes: epic fail

Magnus: "Knock knock!"
Me: "Who's there?"
Magnus: "Me! Ha ha!"

Magnus: "Knock knock!"
Me: "Who's there?"
Magnus: "Banana!"
Me: "Banana who?"
Magnus: "Banana banana banana banana! Ha ha! Banana banana! Knock knock!"

Magnus: "Knock knock!"
(Pause) Me: "Who's there?"
Magnus: "Magnus."
Me: "Magnus who?"
Magnus: "Open the door, it's me Magnus! Let me tell you another knock knock joke!"

Damn you offspring

I thought Magnus opening the bathroom door while I was in the shower was maddening. But he managed to top it. Last night after a long day I was finally able to drift into a blissful sleep. Which turned into dreamy sleep. Which turned into a dream of me and Ryan Gosling. And then me and Ryan Gosling going at it, Boogie Nights style. I had auburn hair and was about five pounds lighter in the dream. And he was really into me (no pun intended). We made deep eye contact and said amazing things to each other. It was life-altering.

And then....

"Mommy? It's MORNING TIME!"

I opened my eyes and instead of Ryan in bed next to me there was a five-year-old with bed head and a sweaty blanket sitting there. Sheesh, first-born! Have you no clue? I rarely get good night's sleep, and good sex sleep? With Ryan effing Gosling? And you woke me up and expect me to feed you??

I am officially protesting these working conditions.

It is starting already

Magnus: "Mommy I think I need to stay home from school today."
Me: "Why Magnus?"
Magnus: "My arm is really sick."

Eleventh Commandment: Thou Shall Not Solicit

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"I am here to tell you about the Bible and god's word, ma'am."
"I am home schooling my son right now."
"When would be a good time to come back and share some passages with you, ma'am?"
"Probably never."
"Did you know god helps those who forsake him?"
"No. But I have to get back to science instruction with my five-year-old."
"Okay but I can see that you are lost and god can touch your life."
"Can you bring champagne with you next time and I will think about it?"
" I brought some with me, ma'am. The neighbors said it might make you more receptive to the good book. I actually am carrying a chilled bottle in this backpack."
"Well for Christ's sake, come IN!"