My next classified ad

Wanted: high-energy, almost annoyingly cheerful individual to assist with a myriad of household duties including:

Mopping up multiple puddles of spilled milk, almost always in the same location, up to four times a day;

Devising entertaining, morally uplifting stories to distract while also educating impressionable four-year-old, occasionally while mopping up a milk puddle; can also occur while trying to dress two feisy infants;

Lifting 22-25 lbs, often concurrently; carrying weight through multiple locations and in and out of vehicle;

Assuring aforementioned four-year-old that the sun still rises and sets on him, despite the presence and demands of aforementioned feisty infants;

Emptying dryer of multiple loads of laundry and folding clothes that belong to the female head of the house; male head and male children can suck it;

Wiping siding doors, refrigerator and other areas of baby fingerprints; initially an endearing phenomenon, now an out-of-control nuisance;

Planning a somewhat healthy, preferably edible, evening meal for male head of household and four-year-old;

Locating perpetually missing socks for male head of the household;

Watering organic veggie garden and cactus plants; talking in soothing tones to indoor orchids;

Bathing four-year-old and keeping it interesting; bathing twin infants and keeping it safe

Unflexible hours, often hostile work environment. Not a paid position but great learning experience.