and now, a few words about my ass

So the thing is, I have hemorrhoids.

Shhhhh. Stop laughing. You've probably had them at one time in your life.

The issue is, I cannot go to the pharmacy and purchase medication to treat said hemorrhoids. It's a pride kind of thing. You see, a few years ago, while pregnant with Bubba, I developed the same condition. I realized pretty quickly I needed some kind of treatment vs hoping everything would just vanish. So I drove, fearless, to the local CVS and picked out an extra large box of Prep H, ready to do butt battle. Stood in line with my head held high, not worried what anyone thought.

Except, right before it was my turn to have my items scanned, there was a shift change.

The overweight Latina cashier, who I figured would be sensitive to my plight, was replaced by a young, extremely good looking guy. Toned, too. I looked around, starting to panic, but no other lines were open.

Shit!!! It was now my turn to pay. "How are you?" the stud asked brightly. "Okay. Good," I said, my eyes focused on my feet as I placed the box of Preparation H and some chewing gum on the counter. He seemed to pause for a second - maybe to hold the box up so the rest of the shoppers could see it? - and finally rang it up. "You have a nice day," he instructed.

I ducked out of there as beads of sweat were starting to form on my upper lip. Just my effing luck. Admitting to a hot guy that my ass has issues.

So now, I cannot risk the chance of the same situation and humiliation occuring again. I called my mom this week and asked her to bring a box of Prep H to my house, covered in a brown bag. "What the hell is wrong with you that you can't go to the store?" she demanded. Followed by, "You know, if you don't get them under control, they will grow and explode. Then you will have REAL problems."

Occasionally I see photos in magazines of pregnant celebrities, and am forced tothink about their ass. They are probably suffering from the same ailment that I have. Who buys their stuff for them? I can't see Natalie Portman or Jessica Alba standing in line at Walgreens with a tube of rectal cream in their hand.

So we will commence treatment tonight and hopefully this will all pass, as they say.

Or my mother will have a lot of 'splaining to do about her repeated trips to the pharmacy.