the female conundrum

This fall, Magnus will start pre-school. Just two days a week for a few hours, to start. If he likes it and doesn't bite the other students, we will gradually increase his days. I'm excited but also sad, as I know kindergarten, driver's permit and his wedding are just around the corner.

I made a pledge that once he started school, I would quit my job and become a stay-at-home mama. I can't say why but I feel compelled to be there as he starts interacting with others and possibly picking up their bad habits. We also hope a second kid will come early next year, so even more reason to don sweat pants and hang around the condo full-time.

But then what? What will Royita do for the rest of her life as the kiddies get older and more independent? I've worked my whole life, since I was 17 anyway. Being a stay-at-home mom is not something I ever thought about. What will happen to my identity? My skills? What kind of job can I hope to return to if I take myself out of the market for the next 5-8 years? Will I be fulfilled or turn into my neighbor, a full-time mamma who makes homemade popsicles and dog food because, well, she can?

My mother was an at-home mother until my brother and I were in junior high. She loves working and confided that doesn't ever want to retire, even though she's at the age now where she could. I solicited her advice on my stay-at-home dilemma. "You will be so busy interacting with teachers and other parents, you will have your days full of things to do," she advised. Interacting with other parents? Egads. What if they are neurotic or don't drink? I'm supposed to socialize with them? "You worry too much," my mother responded. "Look at you. You haven't even quit your job and you are already drowning."

I retreated, sufficiently insulted. It occured to me that perhaps I should be more analytical about my conundrum. I thought about all the stay at home moms I know. Five of them. Then I counted all the working moms. Twenty six. Eeeeeesh!

"You will love staying at home," my sister-in-law confided. She used to work, got laid off and now stays home full time with her three kids. "You'll be so slammed with homework, their activities, you won't even miss your job or who you used to be." Is she right?

My dilemma won't be easily or quickly solved, I've concluded. I know what my short-term path is, which is being there for the kiddies in those critical first years. The long-term path is a big winding road with a question mark at the end. It's not about the destination but the journey, isn't that what everyone says? What if both of them suck?

Then again, if I stay home, I will be fully caught up on the all the "Real Housewives" episodes...